ACT III

Scene. - Neimand's bar, a virtually empty tavern with shifting scenery
representing its chaotic nature.  The tables shudder, slide, burble and glow
alternately.  SIEGFRIED is seated at one table that seems to be less
annoying than the others, it merely ripples every few minutes.  SIEGFRIED
seems depressed, nursing a bubbling, smoking, frothy drink.


		SONG - SIEGFRIED.

	Concieve me if you can
	  A young Chaosian. 
	A commonplace type
	  With no sword in a fight 
	And bred from several men. 
	Who thinks an FCS, 
	  A drink for culture's best.. 
	Who eats silly dinners 
	  So doesn't get thinner 
	Though he changes his shape again 
	  And again 
	    And again 
	      And again....
 
	Concieve me if you can
	  A true chaosian 
	A mismatched cacophany, 
	  Half bred from sodomy 
	  Nifty chaosian. 
	    An odd chaosian
	      A real chaosian 
	  A bubbling and burbelling
	    Twisting and blistering
	       Shifty chaosian. 
	
	A wierd Chaosian
	A shifty Chaosian 
	With hair that is rippley,
	  Wavy and simply something
	    We all think cool.

	(SEIGFREID regards the drink for a few moments, then carefully
pushes it away.)

SIEG.	It's no use.  Barely a day has gone by in my newfound position, and
yet I cannot reconcile myself to this monstrous life.  Why, look at this
drink... one could scarcely smell its vapours without losing control of
several important bodily functions, drinking it might well preclude the need
for them.  (Sighs)

	Enter AZUTH.  He is wearing a cheap disguise consisiting of a fake
rubber nose, mustache, and glasses.

SIEG.	(Morosely) Hi Azuth.

AZUTH.	(Jumping in surprise)  Ah, hello...  (looks around the room)
Haven't seen Benedict anywhere, have you?

SIEG.	(Shakes his head)

AZUTH.	(Taking off his disguise) Good.  So, Siegfried, little brother, how
are you finding your new life?

	(The Chaos Chorus is gradually entering the bar as time passes).

SIEG.	I don't know how you Chaosians...

AZUTH.	(Interrupting)  _Us_ Chaosians...

SIEG.	Us Chaosians.  Oh irony, that I should be saying such a thing... I,
who was once touted as the heir to the throne of Amber...

AZUTH.	(Grinning evilly)  Yes, ironic, isn't it?  But buck up, you're going
to have so much more fun this way.  Now drink that Flaming Chaos Special and
I'll begin instructing you in the proper deportment of a man of Hendrake.

SIEG.	Let's just go straight to the lessons.

		SONG - AZUTH. and CHAOS CHORUS.

BOTH:   To be of Chaos ancestry
        You need to balance Lechery
        With equal parts of deviltry
        Tears, greed, and trigonometry
        You're stuck with us,
        Don't make a fuss --
        And don't forget the larceny
        Which is a very major part of having Chaos ancestry!
        
AZUTH.  Your veins are filled with Chaos blood,
           Which Amberites find slippery
        You'll have to learn to Shapeshift, 'cause
           The shiftless can't make frippery
        Like extra eyes, some horns, a cud
           To chew upon in ecstasy!
        And if you should get funny looks
           Just blame it on your family
        If there's a fuss
        Don't fight or cuss
        Just blame it on your ancestry!
        
CHORUS.  To be of Chaos ancestry, &c.
        
AZUTH.  If you're would be of Chaos blood,
          You ought to be malevolent
        Yeah, Loyalty's a virtue,
          But your virtues are irrelevant
        So lock them in a closet
          In a box labelled 'benevolence'
        And if you get in trouble,
          Simply call it an inheritance!
        Your hair is mussed
        Your hopes are dust
        Indulge yourself in death and lust!
        
CHORUS: To be of Chaos ancestry, &c.


	Enter CHARITY. pointedly ignoring SIEGFRIED.

SIEG.	Chast... er, Charity!  

CHAR.	Hello Azuth.  Nice to see you.

AZUTH.	Charity, you're looking as lovely as ever.

CHAR.	I know.  Care to sit with me, Azuth, seeing as how you're not 
some one who would lead you on, claiming to be an Amberite then turning 
out to be Chaosian?

SIEG.	Hey!

AZUTH.	Oh, don't be so hard on him.  Sure, he lied and cheated, sure he 
played you for a fool.  Is the mere fact that he betrayed your love and
trust reason enough to shun the guy?

SIEG.	I had nothing to do with that!  Flora never told me anything about
any of this sordid sex-swapping stuff...

AZUTH.	(quickly) Yes, yes, we all know the gory details, no need to dwell
on them.  Let's just skip to the end, where you two are irreconcilably 
parted.  Now, Charity, have I ever shown you my rooms in the great hall of
Hendrake?

CHAR.	Siegfried, please don't make this hard for both of us.  

SIEG.	You don't love me anymore then?

		SONG - CHARITY and SIEGFRIED.

CHAR.   I love you, but now you're not what I expected,
	I find that, while it's not *you* that I've rejected,
	There's no way -- I can't pretend I'm not affected,
	Because I am!

SEIG.   I love you, but I'm afraid that I have wrecked it,
	I don't see -- why can't you see I've not defected?
	I find that, tho' there's no way I'd have suspected,
	It's who I am!

CHAR.   I love you, but -- I love you, but. . .

SEIG.   I love you, but -- but O, but what?

CHAR.   But I can only ever love an Amberite!

SEIG.   But you loved me before, and how can this be right?

CHAR.   I love you, but what if I've been misdirected?
	I don't know, if I can bear to be corrected,
	But I see, the love within your eyes reflected,
	In love?  I am!

SEIG.   I love you, but I'm afraid your heart's protected,
	Seigfried has disconnected.
	Seigfried has connected.
	Your own, I am!

BOTH:   I love you, but -- I love you, but --
	But in my heart, I don't know what --
	What we can do about this love so right,

	SIEGFRIED.            CHARITY.
	Because I am not,     Because you are not,

BOTH:   After all. . .an Amberite!


AZUTH.	Yes, yes, not an Amberite.  As I said, irreconcilable.  Siegfried,
why don't you go over there and practice your shapeshifting again?

SIEG.	I don't know what the problem is with that, you'd think that with
the blood of the King of Chaos in you that shapeshifting would come naturally.
All I get is a headache and a somewhat silly expression.

	Siegfried moves off to one side, concentrating and wiggling his
	eyebrows.

AZUTH.	Ah, my dear, relatively alone at last.  So tell me, now that you've
had this terrible heartbreak and are wracked with grief... wanna go back to
my place and fool around?

		SONG - CHARITY. and CHAOS CHORUS.

CHAR.   Words such as yours
	Could turn a maiden's head
	Could leave her turning red
	And a conquest, well, assure.

	With your bloodline's might
	I could readily accept
	If you hadn't slept
	With eleven men one night!

	Benedict and Brand,
	Corwin, Finndo, Rand-

RAND.  Hey!

CHAR.   -om, Julian and Caine,
	And the four I haven't named!

CHORUS. Words such as yours, &c.

CHAR.   With Eric, what's it like?
	To sleep with a King?
	Where'd he put his crown?
	Did he hang it from his ...

CHORUS. Words like yours just might
	Have won a maidenhead
	If you hadn't gone to bed 
	With the Elder Amberites

CHAR.   What's it like with Brand?
	Did he really burn the sheets?
	Does he ever Trump about?
	And is he any good to ...

CHORUS. Words such as yours, &c.

CHAR.   Does Finndo ever smile?
	Do his shoulders ever shake?
	Does he wave around his...blade?
	Did he ...?

	AZUTH can bear it no longer.  He holds up a hand for her to stop
	then leans forward, singing in a hushed whisper:

AZUTH.  I didn't do it, I wasn't there,
	I'm not involved, Oh babe, I swear!
	Fair maid, I've paid For Jenner's lies
	And my reflection in your eyes
	Shows only scorn, But this I swear...
	I didn't do it, I wasn't there!

	Eleven men!  You say, and me...
	This taints my masculinity!
	I must protest, I wasn't there...
	I wouldn't do that, babe, I swear!  
		(I wouldn't do that this I swear)
	Sweet maiden come, kiss from my eyes  
		(Sweet maid come kiss from my eyes)
	The tears brought on by Jenner's lies  
		(The tears brought home by foul lies)
	And this I swear, to Hell and gone --
	I didn't do it...'less it turns you on!


CHAR.	You mean Jenner lied?

AZUTH.	Of course he lied!  He's the King of Chaos, it's practically in the
job description!  Now look, this must be our secret, okay?  You play your
cards right and you could be delt into this tinyplot in a really important
way.  Wanna come up to my rooms and discuss it?

CHAR.	Ooooh, I'd love to.  Unfortunately I'm just so pressed for time, I
must dash.  Oh look, isn't that Prince Benedict?

	AZUTH. makes a strangled sort of noise, snatches out a playing card
	of some sort from his accoutrements and stares into it, vanishing
	in a rainbow flicker.

CHAR.	Siegfried, my only love!

	CHARITY. rushes over to SIEGFRIED.

SIEG.	Charity?

CHAR.	Siegfried, Azuth just let slip that King Jenner lied about your being
his son!  FLORA did sleep with all her brothers to conceive you!

SIEG.	It really distresses me that I find that to be good news.  But!  Good
news it is!  Oh Charity, my one true love, their lies could not keep us
apart!

CHAR.	You're really the heir to Amber, Avalon and De'alund now!

SIEG.	And just when I was going to bring up my evil twin subplot!  Oh well,
I'll save it for another day.  Just now, we have to come up with a tinyplot
of our own, something that will make these dastardly plans fail!

		SONG - SIEGFRIED. and CHARITY.

BOTH.	Away away, my heart's on fire,
	I've yearned this base deception to repay!
	This very night, my vengance dire
	Shall plot to blow it all away!
	
SIEG.	Away away, ere I expire,
	No lurking evil twin to mar the play,
	In shadows deep, their plot I'll mire
	This strikes me to the core, away away!

CHAR.	With falsehood foul they drove you from your kin,
	Let vengance howl and wizard approval win,
	Our love divine he ruined with his lies
	And in return tonight the plot it dies!

BOTH.	Yes, yes, tonight the plot it dies!

CHAR.	Tonight it dies!

SIEG.	(checking his watch) Yes or early tomorrow.

CHAR.	His plans for lives...

SIEG.	They will wither in sorrow!

CHAR.	There is one soft spot

SIEG.	In our nature we cherish

CHAR.	And all who plot

SIEG.	To abuse it will perish!

BOTH.	To-night it dies or so early tomorrow,
	His plans for lives they will wither in sorrow
	Love is the spot in our natures we cherish
	And all who plot to abuse it shall perish!

	Away away, away!
	Tonight the plot it dies!
	Away tonight, the plot it dies tonight, away!


	Exit SIEGFRIED and CHARITY.


Scene. - The Courtyard of the Lords, a great open area with a swirling
	sky and wavering scenery.  The towering spires of the Courts of
	Chaos can be seen in the distance.

	Enter the CHAOS LORDS with the CHAOS CHORUS.

		SONG - JENNER. with CHAOS CHORUS.

JENNER. O land of fatal dark abyss,
	O Houses strong and true
	What greater land than this?
	What finer Houses than you?
	  What finer House?
	  What finer House?
	Indeed, what finer House?

	These Houses here arrayed 
	  That we are proud to call our own!
                 O, Chaos!
	In finery displayed
	  And throughout every Shadow known!
                 O, Chaos!

	We will call out our names,
	  To tell our history, fine and old
	In order of our fames
	To garner earned acclaims
	To tell of all our exploit and our cooooonquests bold
                 O, Chaos!

	In order of our fames
	To garner earned acclaims
	To tell of all our exploit and our cooooonquests bold
                 O, Chaos!


CHAOS CHORUS sings, in parts:
	We're ruled first of all by         And then we've the 
	   the Hendrakes                       minorer Houses
	And troubled by rebels in           Made up mostly of Lords and
	   Mandrake                            their spouses
	And both of the Houses of           There's Lorgrim and Rathorn, but
	   Sawall and Helgram                  but Usher got lost
	Got in with the program!            When into the Abyss tossed!
	We've Aspnes, Stryl, and            The Barimen Gothical 
	   blue Jesby                          flavor,
	And semi-ept plotting in            And Amblerash RE-ligious
	   Jes'mine!                           fervor,
	And watching ol' Chanicut           Lane, Thanlis, Mamoru, are Petty,
	   making a break                       but rousted
	From the Jennifer Von Raka          And a couple of others we've
	   headache!                            ousted!

JENNER. Although our long careers may oft
	  Involve the act of killing,
	We like at least to make it look
	  Like we're not fully willing.
	Although we live by strife,
	  We're always sorry to begin it
	And tend to let it peter out
	  When OOC stuff gets in it.

ALL.    Hail, hail consent, thou bastion strong!
	Thou keepest all from going wrong
	Hail, when we don't want to die just yet
	All hail, Divine Emollient.


	The Lords array themselves in an attentive manner as AMON scurries
	forwards with a low throne, which JENNER reposes upon.

AMON.  All rise, all rise.  This, the eight millionth, nine hundred and 
seventy thousandth, four hundred and sixty first session of the Courts of 
Chaos is now in session.  King Jenner of Chaos will be accepting petitions 
before the main event.


	SONG - JENNER, AZUTH, various PETITIONERS, CHAOS CHORUS.

PETIT.  I have a complaint against House Stryl, 
        Though I know you like their spikes,
        Could you send the army still?

JENNER. Never ever.

PETIT.  Can you sign this grant?

JENNER. Never ever.

PETIT.  Kill my aunt?

JENNER. Never ever.

PETIT.  Guard my House?

JENNER. Never ever.

PETIT.  Free my spouse?

JENNER. Never EVER.

AZUTH.  Shoop-shoo-wa-oo ...
JENNER. Never ever ...

JENNER. I am Jenner, the Chaos King, 
        Never ask me anything;
        What strengthens your House only weakens my own,
        If I grant your requests you'd make a play for the throne,

CHORUS. (shocked) Never ever!

JENNER. My policy's simple, don't do anything;
        And the Houses will take it if I do one thing,
        If I keep Amber down, then they won't make a fight.
        So if Siegfried's my son, he can be no Amberite.

CHORUS. Never ever!

PETIT. (Changing music drastically)
        Did I ever tell you you're my hero,
        And everything I would want to be ...

	(He goes down under a surge of annoyed Chaosites.)

JENNER. No Amberite

AZUTH.  NEVER EVER!

PETIT.  I have some legitimate business, 
        I'm a Black Circle Shadow Prince,          
        I bring a gen'rous trade 'greement,

JENNER. Never ever.

PETIT.  I'm the architecht who remodeled your throne,
        I'm afraid that you might find 
        A little flaw in the desi(gn) ...

JENNER. (peremptorially) Never ever.

PETIT.  Can you say who does your hair?

JENNER. Never ever.

SHA KATRIL. You should look into my stare!

JENNER. Never ever.
	I am Jenner, the Chaos King,
        And I am slick,

	CHORUS.				JENNER.
	Schick schick schick		I am Jenner, the Chaos King
	Schick schick schick		My word is woe.

JENNER. I am Jenner, the Chaos King
        No son of mine is an Amberite

AZUTH. (scream, high-pitched, triumphant) Never ever!

JENNER. An Amberite... 
AZUTH.  Never ever... 

	JENNER sits down firmly.  The throne collapses under him, but he
	springs to his feet again and waves a few demons forward.  They
	grab the petitioner who mentioned the throne and carry him off,
	wailing.

JENNER.	That's better.  Now, you all know the reason for this gathering:
to wit, our royal recognition of the heritage of Siegfried, who has been
lost yet now is found.  Call forth my son!

AZUTH.	Here I am, father.

JENNER.	(grabs AZUTH aside) Not you, lackwit!  The dupe, where's the dupe?

	Enter SIEGFRIED. with CHARITY. on his arm.

SIEG.	Here I am... father.

AZUTH.	(goggles at CHARITY)

JENNER.	Ah.  Good.  Come then, Amon, let's make this official.

		SONG - AMON. and CHAOS CHORUS.

	There're things to be defined,
	And I'll define them as we go along;
	This pre-natal agreement will (we hope)
	Keep things from going wrong.

	Before you can be born there are
	Some things that you will have to know:
	You mustn't rock the boat nor yet
	Disturb the current status-quo

	This is the standard contract,
	And the one that you will have to sign:
	And yet before you put your signature
	Upon the dotted line. . .

	The party of the first part
	And the one who will your father be,
	Is Jenner, King of Chaos
	And the height of current royalty

	Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royalty,
	Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royalty,
	Is Jenner, King of Chaos, and the height of current royal, royalty!

	The party of the second part
	And heir unto the Chaos Throne
	Is Azuth; in succession terms
	You're next in line to him alone,

	And who you are, and what you'll be,
	And what the terms of contract are;
	If you accept without complaint
	These details as laid out so far. . .

	Please take the pen, and sign your name
	And join the Hendrake family...
	And join us 'gainst the Amberites
	Like everybody else should be!

	And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everybody else should be,
	And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everybody else should be,
	And join us 'gainst the Amberites like everbody else should be,
		should be! 


	SIEGFRIED makes a great show of examining the contract while 
	this is going on.

SIEG.	Hmm.  Excuse me, I've got a question...

JENNER.	And what might that be?

SIEG.	Well, it says here that the line of succession is through the next
male child.

JENNER.	So?

SIEG.	Well, Azuth's status as a male child is, if not invalidated, is at
least held in question.  After all, he's spent at least some time as your
daughter, hasn't he?

AZUTH.	Now just a minute here!

AMON.	My liege, he has a point.

JENNER.	Oh.  Yes.  Well.

AZUTH.	You're not going to take that seriously, are you?

SIEG.	Well if boffing most of the male line of Oberon while in a female
shape doesn't affect the firstborn male status, what can?

	(General snickering from the assembled Lords ensues.)

JENNER. Hmm... well...

AZUTH.	IT'S A LIE!  I NEVER SLEPT WITH ANY OF THEM!  JENNER WAS LYING!

	(The assembled Lords gasp!)

JENNER.	You little... (he zarks AZUTH with a logrus tendril)

SIEG.	Aha!  There, I've been cleared, I'm an Amberite again!

	(The assembled Lords turn to SIEGFRIED, pulling out weapons and
	unsheathing claws.)

CHAR.	Uh-oh.  Was this part of the plan?

SIEG.	Nope.  The only thing that could save us now is the completely
co-incidental arrival of reinforcements...

	Suddenly, in a blaze of pyrotechnics, FINNDO arrives with a full
	army and the shadow king song in full blast.

SIEG.	Quick Charity, while this handy distraction is going on!

	Exit SIEGFREID and CHARITY.

Scene. - Castle Amber, the main hall.  Dust and cobwebs cover this little-
	used area.  SIEGFRIED and CHARITY enter, beating off the clutching
	hands of a horde of Amber guards.  Drawn by the commotion, enter
	the ELDER CHORUS and FLORA.

CHORUS.	Intruders in our halls?  Sound the alarm!


SIEG.   Stop! Before you lose your senses,
	Stop! And hear these great offenses
	Now the truth is clear!
	Jenner told us all a falsehood,
	I am not a bit of his blood,
	That was insincere!


	FLORA covers her face in hands.

FLORA.	Oh, great.

SIEG.	Jenner's evil lie has been found out, I am not his son!

BENEDICT.  I'm still killing Azuth, just on general principles.

	(There is much agreement among the Lords)

CHAR.	Regardless, Siegfried and I are to be wed.  True love has won out!

		SONG - ALL.

        No more sad times, mad or bad times,
        No more minor keys...
        Life's for living, sharing giving,
        Life's for you and meeee.
        When the going's rough, and you've had enough,
        We've got troubles in our world
        Turn the other cheek and forget your grief,
        Make a friend out of a foe!
        Give me a happy ending, every time!
        You kiss and make up, that's a very peaceful sign!
        Give me a happy ending, every time,
        Don't be unhappy, everything will work out fine!
        No more fighting, scratching biting...


	Enter Sean Connery as OBERON.

OBERON.	A happy ending?  No more fighting?  What is going on here, what has
happened to my tinyplot?

BLEYS.	I don't mean to interrupt you, but... Oberon?  Father of us all?

OBERON.	The same.  Siegfried, my boy, you look well.

ALL.	My boy?  He's YOUR son?

OBERON.	Mine and only mine.  Sorry Flora, but I hypnotised you into thinking
he was your son.  In fact, that entire masque-ball was an illusion of mine.

ERIC.	Well that's really out of left field.  What kind of plotting is this?

OBERON.	Mind your manners, lad.

ERIC.	Sorry.

OBERON.	You see, this was all a tinyplot of mine.

SIEG.	A tinyplot?

ALL.    A tinyplot, a tinyplot, a most ingenious tinyplot
        Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!

        A tinyplot, a tinyplot, with mind-control we have a lot
        Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!


	ENTER the CHAOS CHORUS, the WEB CHORUS, and just darn near everyone
	who has been mentioned so far, including those listed as dead.

OBERON.	And now revealed as my son, 'tis time for you to walk the pattern!

ALL.	The pattern!

	The walls fall back, revealing a shining room with an intricate
	pattern on the floor.  SIEGFRIED shakes hands all around and steps
	onto the design.

	SIEGFRIED explodes into flame and burns messily.

	As all watch stunned the curtain closes off that area of the stage
	and OBERON walks forward.

OBERON.	Another amnesiac orphan twin.  Someone had to take a stand.

		FINALE - OBERON. and CHORUS.

OBERON. As every day it happens that annoyers do appear,
          I have a little list, I've got a little list
        Of AmberMUSH offenders we can send to the Abyss,
          And who never would be missed, - who never would be missed!
        There's uninflected typists who can't spell or punctuate,
        And those who during Bar-room brawls insist on HOLD and wait;
        And there are those (except Finndo) who just don't seem to see
        That using complete sentences is simple courtesy;
        And those who, to a good TP bring their own thoughtless twist -
          They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of them be missed!
        
CHORUS.     He's got 'em on the list - he's got 'em on the list; 
            And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em
                 be missed.
        
OBERON. There's those who strut and swagger on, and flaunt their Psyche stats,
          I think you get the gist - I've got 'em on the list!
        And married folks who use the Bar to have their little spats
          They never would be missed - they never would be missed!
        And those who smash their glasses after they've consumed their drinks,
        And Ares Viper guns of Doom; and 100 Warfare twinks
        And anyone whose character is just there to be 'cute,'
        In such a violent place as this, their presence seems, well, moot.
          And eyes that pierce your very soul -- how very fatalist!
        I don't think they'd be missed - I'm *sure* they'd not be missed.
        
CHORUS.     He's got them on the list - he's got them on the list;
            And I don't think they'll be missed -- I'm *sure* they'll not
            be missed!
        
OBERON. And people you have never seen, who somehow know your name,
          And greet you *so* familiarly - I've got *them* on the list!
        And folks who feel free to be rude, 'cause this is just a game,
          They'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed.
        And every single sorcerer who conjures pointless things,
        And dumb, obnoxious characters with their silly verbal zings;
        And last of all but hardly least -- or so it seems to me --
        Are those who will, at random, start their poses 'OOC:'
        But it doesn't really matter whom you put upon the list,
          For they'd none of 'em be missed - they'd none of 'em be missed!
        
CHORUS.     You may put 'em on the list - you may put 'em on the list;
            And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of 'em 
            be missed!
        
        
				THE END