The AmberMUSH Libretto

                                  by

                           Sir W.S. Gilbert*



       DRAMATIS PERSONAE

SIEGFRIED (A newbie with high hopes)
CHASTITY/CHARITY (A young woman with a burning desire)
SHA KATRIL (A villainess)
USAGI (A expository sort of being)
FLORA (An Elder of easy virtue)
AZUTH (A chaos stooge, son of JENNER)
BLEYS (A conceited Elder)
CRASH (A man from Shadow General)
FINNDO (A cranky Elder)
SABBATH, PRISS and CARIS (Three Very Violent Girls)
JENNER (The King of Chaos and all-around bad guy)
AMON (A court flunky for JENNER)

	Chorus of Elder Amberites, Chaosians, Letchers, 
		Amber Guard and WEB lurkers

           ---------------------------------------------

Act I - The World's End Bar
Act II - The Hall of Mirrors
Act III - Neimand's, The Courtyard of the Lords, and Castle Amber

* (And by Sir W. S. Gilbert we actually mean several people having nothing to
do with the famous gentleman.  See the bit at the end for the culprits.)



                                 ACT ONE


Scene. - The World's End Bar, a tavern drifting through the shadow
realities.  The tables are filled with a motley collection of characters
culled from little-read fantasy novels and forgotten television shows,
animate and inanimate pets and objects, and several things best left
unmentioned.

			WEB CHORUS
	We sit like statues in the World's End Bar,
	   Our silly, sorry asses stuck to the seats like tar:
	Until a bit of bitter banter rises up from the floor,
	   And we leap and lunge around with a will for war!

Enter SIEGFRIED in an attitude of great wonder and curiosity.

		RECIT. - SIEGFRIED

	Oh, what an amazing thing this is, suddenly finding
        such a curious place, with such wonderous inhabitants.
        Tell me all, if you will, what place have I come to?

USAGI.  Why, don't you know about shadow universes, the pattern, Amber and
the Courts of Chaos?

SIEG.   Why, no... could you explain it to me?

(A chorus of groans go up from the bar patrons)

SIEG.	What?

PATRON.	He hasn't read the books.  Typical newbie.


		SONG - WEB CHORUS, SIEGFRIED and USAGI

SIEG.	So please you all, I much regret
	If I have failed in etiquette
	I'll give the books one more try
        And I'll know better by and by.
        But newbies, of course, must have
	   their fling,
		So pardon me,
		So pardon me,
	And don't, in MUSH-ing's happy spring,
		Be hard on me,
		Be hard on me,
	If I'm inclined to question a thing.

WEB CHORUS	But newbies, of course, etc.

USAGI.	I think you ought to recollect
	You knew the theme ere your connect
	The books are but the merest few;
        But nobody reads them, why should you?
        That newbies of course must have
	   their fling,
		Is hard on us,
		Is hard on us;
	To your mind the theme I'll bring -
		So pardon us,
		So pardon us,
	While the glories of Amber I sing.
        (pulls SIEG. off to one side and starts whispering)

WEB CHORUS	But newbies, of course, etc.


(All return to their table conversations except SIEGFRIED and USAGI, who
break off their whispered conversation.)

SIEG.	Well, that's all quite amazing.  Amberites, Chaosians, and all the
people of the shadow realities, hmm?  The royalty of Amber, hmm?  Well,
thanks for the information.

(SEIGFRIED digs out a large pendant with a prominent unicorn on it and
hangs it around his neck.)

USAGI.	No problem.  If you really want help though, there are newbie
helpers wandering around sometimes.

	Enter AZUTH

AZUTH.	Did someone mention a newbie?  A veritable neophyte in this great
story of ours?

SIEG.	That would be me.

(AZUTH wraps a more than friendly arm around SIEGFRIED.)

AZUTH.	Stick with me, kid, and I'll steer you right.  So tell me, what's
your story?

SIEG.	Well, let me explain it this way...


	SONG - SIEGFRIED with USAGI

SIEG.	A wandering warrior I -
	   A man of thrusts and slashes,
	   Of parries, cuts and bashes,
	And manly battle cry!

	My world was dull and dry
	   It's history so depressing,
	   I believe I am repressing,
	The details though I try!

USAGI.		A wandering warrior you
		   From somewhere far away now,
		   I've seen your world, I must vow
		I'll swear every word is true!

SIEG.	A noble man I think
	   At least I do declare it,
	   I know my heart would merit,
	Or should I call a shrink?
	   This pendant 'round my neck,
	   Is as obvious as heck,
	But would you call me twink?
	   Yes, would you call me twink?

WEB CHORUS. (whispered voice) Oh, no, not *another* kid with a Unicorn
Pendant.  He's probably an amnesiac orphan twin, too.

SEIG.	I'm an amnesiac orphan twin, too.

(A patron in the bar faints dead away with an audible *thud*)

		SONG - WEB CHORUS (less one singer)

        It seems like every kid that comes along these days
           Wears a little pendant of a Unicorn.
           It isn't too original; we're not amazed
        But he's a newbie, we'll try not to scorn.
           Last month, though we don't know why,
             Vampiracy was the trend du jour, 
           Next week, we will testify,
	     Japanese or Dragons, we are sure.

AZUTH. 	So, you think you're an Amberite's kid, eh? (He walks over and
examines the pendant.) Clever, but you never can tell.  There are
sugar-candy crowns of Amber in half the Bars in Shadow.  Why not imitation
Unicorn pendants?  Everyone knows the Unicorn's the royal symbol of Amber.

		SONG - AZUTH

AZUTH.  I'm Unofficial Helper to the newbie sort,
           That is, if I don't eat them as a snack.
        But here you are in Amber now, and I'll be short:
           You've not a hope of ever going back.
        Family, that is what you need
           Name and place and a job to do,
        If you were of Amber-breed,
           That would give you instant power, too.

AZUTH. (aside)  Of course, the very best way to make a name is to RP well
and make people want to play with you but that way takes time.  Adoption is
*so* much quicker.

WEB CHORUS. You want an Amber Parent?  Well, just join the club
               A little symbol will not make it so.
            You have the little pendant, kid, but here's the rub,
               You've got to justify it, don'tcha know?

SEIG.	You mean I can't just say I have (get(parent/Amberprince[rand(10)))]
as my father?  Everybody *knows* how much they sleep around.  They must have
hundreds of shadow-brats running around, *each*, no matter how infertile
they *claim* to be.
 
AZUTH. 	Well, you see, even if you *are* of Amber blood, you have to get a
parent to recognise you, and that can be a very hard thing.  It's worth it,
though.  It's great for getting the Chicks.

SEIG.  	What has being an Amberite got to do with Chicks, er, I mean, women?

AZUTH. (Sings, aside to audience.)
        Truth is, Chicks Dig Amberites,
           I of all people ought to know,
        Half-blood, son of both am I,
           It's the only way to go!

AZUTH.	Power, my boy, power.  Why do you think it's so hard to get them to
recognise their kids?  Because they'd have to share their power of Pattern,
and they don't like to do that, it's annoying, and it gives them potential
rivals.  They don't like that.  Pattern is great.  Of course, by the time
they can call up Pattern, *I* can have called up the Logrus and whipped
their butts, but that's neither here nor there.

SIEG.	I'm sure it isn't.  (AZUTH frowns.)  Well, I'm sure finding out who
my parent is won't be that hard.  After all, when one has a Unicorn pendant,
the battle is half over, isn't it?

AZUTH.	Yeah, maybe.  Anyway, I'm bored, so I'm going to go over to that
table and stare at the wall.  See ya.

(SEIG. watches AZUTH plop down at a table and tune out, then wanders over
to the bar and orders a variety of silly drinks.)

	Enter CHASTITY, hesitantly.  All watch as she dreamily wanders
	around the room:

		SONG - CHASTITY

	I am called sweetest Chastity 
	   A girl as pure as any may be 
	Who wears her hair down to her knees 
	   And is the world's supreme beauty.

	I seek a lover's hand for mine, 
	   To walk with me in even'tine, 
	   Along the moonlit seashoreline, 
	Who'll love me for myself sublime.
 
	To speak with me by warm firelight. 
	   I'll sing him songs of soft delight, 
	   And give myself to him this night, 
	If he should be an Amberite! 

	His blood must flow hot vibrantly, 
	With power of pattern, passionately! 
	An Amber Prince is all for me, 
	I chose it for my destiny!

(SIEGFIED stands transfixed by this vision of loveliness for but a moment.)

SIEG.	Excuse me...

CHAST.	Yes?

SIEG.	I couldn't help overhearing your plight, and I thought I might
help you out.  (Fingers the pendant.)  You see, I am an Amberite.

CHAST.	Really?  Oh, joy of joys!  Do you have a girlfriend, or a wife yet?

SIEG.	Well, no, you see I've only been...

CHAST.	(Interrupting)  Oh good!  So many of the Elders are spoken for
already!  Are you a prince?  Do you like my dress?

SIEG.	It's beautiful, but you see when I said...

CHAST.	(Blushes)  Thank you.  (Gazes deep into SIEGFRIED's eyes).  Do you
love me, even a little bit?

SIEG.	(Stammers)

CHAST.	Tell me how much you love me, my prince!

		SONG - SIEGFRIED and CHASTITY

SEIG.	There's nothing else in all the world but you and I,
	   All else fades into obscurity,
	In the light of this Love's purity,
	   I'll be a fool forever if I once deny!

(He moves closer to her)

CHAST.	Now I know why I desired an Amberite,
	   How I guarded my virginity,
	   As I sought that masculinity,
	Unto the which I would surrender my delight!

(She moves next to him)

SEIG.	It's still beyond the grasping of my startled mind,
	   Had I dreamed the possibility;
	Had I know my own virility, (ahem)
	   E'en then, I still would not have hoped or dreamed to find...

CHAST.	I have at last the thing that I sought most in life,
	   Thus to join my femininity
	   With a love of such pristinity;
	Fulfillment of my destiny as Seigfried's wife!

(They embrace)

(BOTH).	A love so pure and true, complete and undefiled,
	And a love of such simplicity
	And which gives us such felicity,
	Has shown us Truth at last; and we are reconciled.


	Enter SHA KATRIL as SIEGFREID and CHASTITY move to stage left.

		SONG - SHA KATRIL

SHA.	I am a Dragon,
	Evil and Sorcerous,
	I'll tell you how to be,
	If you are one of us.

	I have a treasure-hoard,
	I guard it carefully --
	It's mine, it isn't yours --
	Watch it, don't mess with me!

	I am a Shifter,
	I appear human,
	You'd never know. . .I'm anything else!
	Anything else!

	Randomly violent,
	Evil and powerful,
	My favorite TinyPlots
	Depend on mind-control.

	A leather-lesbian,
	I like sweet pretty things.
	My Evil Psyche stats
	Help me to pull their strings.

	Dragons are priv'leged,
	And deserve freedoms
	I don't permit. . .to anyone else!
	Anyone else
	Oh, anyone else.

(SHA KATRIL greets everyone in the bar in a friendly fashion, then spies
SIEGFRIED and CHASTITY in their embrace to one side.)

SHA.	Oh hello!  You must be new here.

SIEG.	Well, yes actually.

SHA.	Not you, her.  (Moves over to CHASTITY).  Say, wanna see my bar?
It's got a dragon mural.  It's great!

CHAST.	No, thanks.  We were just talking together...

SHA.	No problem.  You can come to the bar anytime.  Of course, only I
could take you to it, so you'll have to come and see me about it. Then I can
show you all of Dragon Keep!

SIEG.	I suppose this is a place that has many dragons?

SHA.	Of course.  Tons.  Well, some.  They may not be there when you come,
so don't be disappointed.  They like to conceal themselves.

CHAST.	(Faking interest) Really?

SHA.	(Enthusiastically) Yes, really!  In fact... (looks around slyly),
I'm a dragon!  Yes!  Oh, you roll your eyes in disbelief!  Don't, because I
could become a dragon right here and now!  Then you'd be scared, let me tell
you!  I usually go around in human form, though.  Human form has much better
possibilities for... (leers at CHASTITY).

CHAST.	Uhm, sure.  Anyway, Seigfried, darling, weren't we going to get a
table?

SIEG.	(Taking the hint) Oh yes, this one right here.  Talk to you later,
dragon-lady.

(SHA KATRIL snarls as they seat themselves and skulks over to another table,
eyeing them all the while.  Once they turn away she waves her hands in a
vaguely sorcerous way and CHASTITY reacts like she's been goosed with a 
cattle-prod.)

SIEG.	Chastity, what's the matter?

CHAST.	(Slowly) No... nothing.  I must go sit with Sha Katril.  Excuse me.

(CHAST. stands and walks over to SHA., who has risen and is dancing about,
singing: )

		SONG - SHA KATRIL and WEB CHORUS

SHA.	A more powerful sorceress never
	  Did in the MUSH exist,
	    To nobody second,
	    I'm certainly reckoned
	  A dangerous mentalist.
	It is my evil psyche endeavor
	  To make, to some extent,
	    Each newbie's reward
	    A pounding keyboard
	  Of tinysex merriment.

	  My poses all sublime
	  I shall achieve in time -
	To plot an intricate mental crime -
	    An intricate mental crime;
	  And make each innocent bent
	  Unwillingly represent
	A source of tinysex merriment!
	  Of tinysex merriment!

CHORUS.	  Her poses all sublime, etc.

SHA.	Those seemingly seamless plots,
	  With doubles and duplicate clones
	    They won't ever survive
	    Past my stunning arrive
	  When I mentally induce moans.
	Some say I'm unbalanced, in stats
	  It's true indeed I guess
	    But they can't survive
	    My mind magic alive
	  So it doesn't cause much distress!

	    My poses all sublime, etc.

CHORUS.	  Her poses all sublime, etc.

(CHAST. sits at SHA KATRIL's table, but before SHA. can sit SIEG. runs over
and confronts her.)

SIEG.	Say, wait a minute!  You can't just take over her mind like that!

SHA.	Sure I can.  Check the rules.  (She hands him a pamphlet.)

SIEG.	(Flipping pages) Let's see, this can't be right...


	Enter BLEYS. to a chorus of nods and waves.

USAGI.	Hail Prince Bleys of Amber.

BLEYS.	You don't have to announce me like that, Usagi.  Everyone knows me...

		SONG - BLEYS

BLEYS.	I'm prince among Princes, the room entire winces
	   Whene'er I sail into the Bar.
	The clothing I wear doesn't go with my hair
	   O, but that hasn't stopped me so far!
	My colors that blind only serve to remind
	My confidence never runs dry:
	   O, nobody else has such faith in himself --
	What a wonderful person am I, am I, am I,
	What a wonderful person am I!

	The ladies I flatter with well-rehearsed patter
	   I've 3000 years to perfect!
	The men I put down all wear a sad frown
	   O, they haven't the points to object!
	Their ladies I woo, a good dozen or two
	The men I will badger and taunt
	   O, it's neat to be me, quite seriously --
	I can have any woman I want, I want, I want,
	I can have any woman I want!

	I smile and I wink as I sip at my drink
	   'cause I'm just a Congenial guy,
	And then I'm an artist, the Greatest and Smartest:
	   I paint nudie-Trumps on the sly
	   I label them 'art' and that's only a part
	Of the talent I have and I show.
	And my prowess in bed? Well, it needn't be said,
	I just want to make sure that you know, you know, you know,
	I just want to make sure that you know.


(BLEYS begins walking over to a seat at a table.)

	Enter FLORA to an accompanyment of waves and wolf whistles.

FLORA.	(Spying BLEYS making for a table) Bleys!  Sit with me!

(BLEYS ignores her and sits at a lone table, watching SIEG. and SHA. who are
beginning to exchange heated words.  FLORA pouts, and seats herself to one
side.)

SHA.	Look bub, she's with me now, so why don't you go away before that
stupid unicorn pendant gets stuffed somewhere painful?

SIEG.	(draws sword, tossing the pamphlet aside) I don't know what you did
to her, but I'm not letting you get away with it!

BLEYS.	What's this?  Sha Katril, you haven't been doing that silly mind-
control bit again, have you?

SHA.	This doesn't concern you, Amberite!

BLEYS.	(With pleasure) You *have* been doing it!  And here I thought this
was going to be a dull night. (Stands and draws his sword.)

SHA.	Don't mess with me, Bleys!  I can turn into a dragon and rip you
apart!

BLEYS.	Oh please.  Now don't whine, you've had this coming.

(BLEYS and SHA. move into combat as SIEG. stands to one side.)

	SONG - BLEYS, SHA KATRIL and WEB CHORUS

BLEYS.	I have to kill you, Sha Katril, 
	For shaman skills that are evil. 
	  We've had our fill of bitter pills 
	  And silly schpiels of mind control; 
	You possessed Caris to caress Priss 
	  And using this as catalyst,
	  You further hissed you'd slay Sabbath 
	Like a sorceress who's gone amiss. 
	You hope to be a villainess, 
	  So planned to be a murderess, 
	    But made yourself a targetess, 
	So soon you will be bodiless. 

CHORUS.	She hoped to be a villianess, 
	  So planned to be a murderess, 
	    But made herself a targetess, 
	Is anybody following this?
	I thought she was a Dragoness, 
	  She said she was a sorceress, 
	    She's a habit for possessiveness, 
	Is anybody following this? 
	We really couldn't care much less. 

SHA.	I hate to interject into your interesting anecdote 
	  But I'd like to interdict any antagonistic antidote 
	I've conspired a complex compromise 
	To counter you contrariwise. 
	It's so completely cogitised 
	  That it had to be computerised; 
	  Digitised and analysed..so marvellously modernised. 
	    That it will not fail to hypnotise, 
	And turn our tangled tinyplot into a torrid tale of Telebots 
	With twisted tentacles and lots of terrifying techno-pods,
	That tear out any evil thoughts and try to tie us down to cots 
	To impregnate us with tiny-sex so no one has to die! 

(BLEYS. and SHA. maneuver back and forth for a moment, then suddenly BLEYS.
makes a lightning attack, skewering SHA. through several important body
parts in quick succession.)

SHA.	Argh!  Should have spent more time on warfare...  (She falls.)

BLEYS.	Well, that's that.  Now then, what was this all about, originally?

SIEG.	She had poor Chastity in some sort of spell, isn't that right, my
love?

CHAST.	That's right.  I couldn't resist at all.  Really, Siegfried, she had 
total control over me.  (Blushes.)

BLEYS.	Typical.  Say, that's a unicorn pendant, isn't it?  (Points to
Siegfried's pendant.)

SIEG.	That's right.  It was a last gift from the parents I never knew.  I
just know that my dad, or mom as the case may be, is out there somewhere in
shadow.  Or in Amber.

BLEYS.	(Laughs.)  Well, it's an old tactic, but a good one.  Sorry kid,
that line won't get you anywhere.

SIEG.	You mean I can't say I'm an Amberite?

CHAST.	Oh, Siegfried!  You lied to me!

SIEG.	(Desperately) No, not really... (turning to BLEYS) Tell me, Prince
Bleys, isn't there a chance that I have Amber blood?

BLEYS.	Sure, there's a chance.

CHAST.	(clapping hands in joy) Oh goody!

BLEYS.	Not a good one, but a chance.  C'mon, let's talk.

	Exit both SIEG. and BLEYS. through the mirror.

CHAST.	Oh dear, left alone again, my one true love's fate hanging in the
balance.  What shall I do?

AZUTH.	(Swooping over to her)  Alone?  Not while I'm around.  Say, did I
tell you that I'm the son of the King of Chaos?

CHAST.	Really?  How wonderful!

AZUTH.	C'mon, let's you and me go someplace and talk.

	Exit AZUTH. and CHAST.

(The lights dim a bit, focusing on the downed body of SHA KATRIL.  The WEB
patrons shuffle forward.)

	SONG - WEB CHORUS

        If we had life, we would give her life,
	  Every second we'd spare,
          If we knew,
          Any way to reverse this coup.
        Did she plan
          Getting in a fight with an Amberite man?
        Well, she let it happen anyhow,
          She has no feeling now,
          Nothing left but Rigor Mortis;
        Eyes that glaze and stare,
        See her lying there!
          She wanted too much --
        What did she think?  Her whole existance,
        Gone in a trice, the deadly sabre's touch.

        One of these days, and we knew it'd come,
          We all somehow knew she'd
        Meet her match,
        And this time it would seem she has,
          No surprise,
        Nothing more to say as our Sha_Katril dies.
        Sorrowing, we don our mourning-black,
          She's never coming back,
          Never again to strike in combat,
            What else can we say?
            Take her corpse away!
        Call Crash to the Bar,
          Suddenly he can find a purpose,
          Suddenly, he can't take his Tech too far.

        Maybe she shouldn't have fought an Elder --
          But that's what she's done -- Take her corpse away.
          Take her corpse away.

	Enter CRASH. in a hail of light and sirens.

CRASH.	What's this?  Sha Katril attacked?  I swear vengance!  Vengance, I
say!  Who did this?  Who is responsible?

USAGI.	Prince Bleys.

CRASH.	(Suddenly all business) Well, let's see what can be done for her...

USAGI.	What can be done?  She's dead, Bleys put his sword right through her!

CRASH.	That would be true in most cases - fortunately I was called in time.
You see, I am from Shadow General!

	SONG - CRASH. and WEB CHORUS.

CRASH.	I am the very model of a man from Shadow General
	With medi-skill and babblegook to spiel out the incredible
	My Nanotech and magi-tech does healing unbelievable.
	I'll cure a chaos cancer with one pose that's inconceivable.

	I'm doctor, physic, sorceror, a seer and sort of friend to all,
	To women though, my help is, well it's simply, frankly physical.
	In short in matters medical or moments merely immoral,
	I am the very model of a man from Shadow General!

CHORUS.	  In short in matters medical, etc.

CRASH.	I have a score of beaches where my score is quite uncountable
	And never let it ere be said my wives are unsurmountable,
	You'll never see me working on the site of any battlefield
	I'll be upon the bloody ground, assuring that the maidens yield.

	When bodies fall in combat or in sickness I'll be on the scene,
	To aid and comfort female forms if you know rightly what I mean.
	But still in matters medical or moments merely immoral,
	I am the very model of a man from Shadow General!

CHORUS.	  But still in matters medical, etc.

(As the chorus sings, CRASH. picks up the body and slings it over one
shoulder.  Exit all.)

                                END of ACT I